As my hubby is always telling me, "none of us are getting out of this alive.".. death is as inevitable as taxes. It comes to us all. Some of us experience death at a young age, losing someone close to us well before their time and long before we are ready to deal with the loss.
My first experience of losing a family member was my Pops, my mum's dad. I was 7. I really do not remember much about it at all. I know that he got married to his long time partner Eileen on his death bed, and I know that my mum fell out with Eileen just after he died.. I can only think it was down to grief. All I can remember from that time was the newspaper cutting my mum kept, which read "Well known policeman dies in Poole".
My next experience with the Grim Reaper came in 1993 with the passing of my step-father from testicular cancer. Mike was first diagnosed a year or two before, and things looked fairly positive. He had surgery to remove the problematic testicle, and began a course of chemo.....
I remember when Mum sat me down to tell me that Mike was dying. I can remember thinking it was simple, if his kidneys were no longer working, give him a kidney transplant, same for liver. I asked Why a lot... I could not understand the Why? Why was it missed? Why did they not check everywhere instead of just the one area? Why did they not act sooner. Why were they giving up. So many why's and not enough answers. I remember speaking with my Dad and Step-mother about Mike, as I was so scared. Not knowing what to expect and how to deal with the D word.
The day Mike passed was the first time I told him I loved him. Over and over again. I remember being in the hospital room with him in a coma, brought on by the morphine. Mum had gone for a break with Martin. Suddenly Mikes' eyes opened. Instinctively I knew this was it. I rang the call bell and ran out into the corridor to get Mum. She was already on her way, and arrived in time for Mike to take his last breath, then a scream from me, and then silence.
I recall the feeling of walking on eggshells after Mike died, especially when saying things like 'I am dying to try this...' I would stop and change my wording. It seemed so wrong, and so flippant a choice of wording and I hated myself for not being more considerate. I was 21 years old and felt helpless. Mum was slipping into depression and no matter what I did or said, I could not help her. Once I tried the best I could and I remember her shouting at me, with tears running down her cheeks "It's OK for you, you have not lost your father and your husband"... in my head, I thought, 'no, but I have lost my grandfather and my stepdad'. Grief can do strange things to people and I guess those who are closest get the raw end of it.
My Nan, (Mum's mother) was next on the list. She had found a lump in her breast years ago (I am talking decades here). She refused to go 'under the knife' and ignored it, so I found out later. She was living with her second husband, my Faffa, in Lowestoft, Sufflok, when one day, whilst standing at the sink, doing the washing up, her breast simply exploded. Despite being riddled with cancer, she was given chemotherapy, which I could not understand at the time, however much later after her passing, it was pointed out to me that perhaps it was to give her a little more time.
I was pregnant at the time, and gave birth in Sept 1995. Mum was so happy, and so was my Dad, my Nan and Fuffa too. Dad was the first to visit us in hospital, despite nearly getting kicked out by the Nurses. He doted on James, everyone did. Sadly my Nan only got 6 months with him and Dad only got 8. They passed away in March (Nan) and May (Dad).
Prior to May, Martin and I had booked a week away in Spain with James. I told Dad that I would cancel it and stay to look after him. He insisted we go, that he would be fine, not to worry. I told him I loved him. He told me he loved me too. I told him I would miss him. He said he would miss me too. Little did I know that those would be the last words we would ever speak. The next day at about the same time our flight was taking off, Dad passed away.
It took along time to get over Dad's passing. My Nan was almost lost in the process, there was not really time to grieve her. I know that true to form, my Mum fell out with Fuffa, (her step-father). Like I say, grief affects us all differently. With Mum, she needed to take it out on someone.
The list goes on, Fuffa came next, followed by Eileen (my step-grandmother), my father-in-law, and lastly, my darling Mum. Everything that I had experienced up til this point, paled into insignificance.
2016 was, as the Queen might say, an "Annus Horribilis". Right from the start of the year, so many famous people were passing away, it was almost as if every week it was someone else. I had a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach that this would be the year that I lost my Mum. I tried so very hard to push that thought well out of my head. But each time someone else went, it crept back in.
June 16th 2016, the call I had been expecting for too many years came. Mum was in hospital. The Doctor was asking me about her DNR wishes. I had Power of Attorney, and I told him in no uncertain terms to do what ever it took to keep her alive. She had gotten over pneumonia 2 or 3 times before now, she would do it again.
I got to spend 5 days with her in Hospital, willing her to get better, all the while trying not to admit that this was it. Mum saw myself and my brother together under the same roof, for the first time in years. She spent time alone with him for the first time in a while. I met my nephew, Tyler for the first time (he was 18 years old..).
June 21st, the day life changed.
Afterwards I got back to Mum's flat, and thought about the task in front of me. Planning a funeral, which would mean admitting it was real. Sorting through her belongings, her clothes, furniture, bills, everything.
With the help of some amazing people I am so fortunate to have in my life, I got through (somewhat....).
It was made so much easier though, by Mum, who had spent a lot of time dealing with a life-threatening/limiting condition.
When going through her possessions I discovered that not only had she left instructions as to what to do with her possessions, but she had also left very clear instructions as to what she wanted for her funeral.
As I see it, this was her last gift to me. One that must have been so very hard for her, and yet she had known for 72 years that it was coming, and so had the time and the forethought to prepare for it.
This is where I am finally going to get to my point (my apologies for the delay..)
Too many people fear dying and talking about it. Understandable on the one hand, but, as the title hints at, death IS an inevitable part of life.
Addendum:
I had finished this blog before Christmas, having re-written it again. Dec 13th, in actual fact was the night I was finally happy with the draft, however something was preventing me from publishing it. I had a feeling that it was not the right time to do so.
Two days later, my dear Mother-in-law was found at home, having gently slipped away from heart failure, the night of the 13th of Dec. Just 12 days before her 90th birthday.
She was an amazing woman, who lived life fully, and on her own terms. She remained independent, living in her own home, doing exactly what she wanted to do, despite her limitations from body aches and pains.
God bless you mum, you were a true inspiration to us all.
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